Originally published in my
personal blogspot:
QUERY:Your honesty and self-awareness are quite remarkable – you publicly admit point-blank what most men only dare to dream. You don't even wait to the second date . . . just out in the open, take it or leave it. Although, knowing the females well, I would say this becomes a point of attraction; girls often desire that which seemingly cannot be conquered.
So . . .
how's that working out for you?RESPONSE:Oddly enough, last night my co-host and I recorded the long overdue – it should've been knocked out three weeks ago – season finale of my radio show. We spent the entire episode discussing my rollercoaster ride of a year in the love and relationship department. Overall, in terms of being completely candid about what I want, my dating life in 2008 was a huge success. Thanks to full disclosure I had some amazing adventures and met a good number of attractive, intelligent, open-minded women who took me as I am and decided for themselves how much they wanted to get involved with me. (Or they didn't cry foul when I told them how far our relationship was going to go.) Much to my surprise, I even received some of the nicest compliments I've ever heard in regard to my unconventional (and sometimes brash) methods. My favorite was from a girl I dated in the Spring who cut things off because she wanted to find someone more traditional. She called me after the summer, told me about how this guy she really liked ultimately led her on and then finished her story with, "You know, on paper he was supposed to be the perfect guy for me and you were the cocky bastard, but it turned out to be the complete opposite. You were the good guy, Justin. I'm glad you were so honest with me. I just wanted you to know that." Needless to say, I felt
extremely flattered by her words. Better yet, I was happy that
someone understood WHY it's beneficial to put the cards on the table.
HOWEVER, things were nowhere near sunny skies. In fact, 2008 was an
extremely rough year in the relationship department. The girls I shared the deepest connection with frankly didn't know what to do with me. (After six months of trying to figure out what the hell we were doing, one girl in particular – a girl I loved more than any other – absolutely
DEVASTATED me in mid-November.) Part of the problem is that I can be pretty intense in my enthusiasm for someone. I'm extremely forward with my feelings. I don't act coy, play games or beat around the bush. Simply, when it comes to
WHO I want, I just know it when I see it and go for it right away. (This is the same quality that also kickstarts a lot of my spontaneous adventures involving lust/romance/(felonious) shenanigans/international flights to exotic locations.) As Kyle, my co-host (and best friend), put it: "You don't wait for people to discover you. You meet someone you really like and then say,
'LET’S DO THIS!' That intimidates a lot of people." And he's right to an extent. I’m willing to concede that I rely too much on the hope of meeting someone who will match me right away in passion and interest. Of course, that becomes my downfall because more often than not people are
overly cautious/suspicious in the beginning, and I just want to pull back the curtain, tear down the defenses and get started already on the grand and fulfilling friendship/affair/romance/relationship that possibly awaits us. I
expect people to see that I'm completely honest and genuine; therefore, they should be the same in turn
Right. Now. Kyle says that's an unreasonable demand . . .
but that's where I adamantly disagree. I'm trying to encourage a standard here, damnit! It's not enough to treat others as you want to be treated; I also expect others to be honest about what they want (or, barring that, what they don’t want) and do everything in their power to play fair. Life isn't fair, so it's up to
US to be fair to each other, right? Is that
REALLY too much to ask?
Okay, fine: Maybe it is.
At the same time I can't imagine asking for less. I can't imagine curbing my enthusiasm or twiddling my thumbs and pacing the floor while waiting for someone else to catch up. I understand full well that what I expect/demand makes me my own worst enemy – more often than not, I am setting myself up for failure – but there's a reason why I made these choices for myself. This year I
will make the effort to be even more patient and understanding – there's
always room for improvement and personal growth – but I can't wait forever for people to "get it." Either they will or they won't, and I won't squander my time convincing everyone
why it's in their best interest to trust me. They can take their lazy cynicism and shove it up their ass. It's so fucking easy to be jaded. Give me something more! Give me pragmatism with a hint (or healthy dose) of optimism! 'Cause I'm not here to fix everyone and "sell" them on why I'm so fucking great. I just am, and you'll understand it if you give me a fair shake. Meanwhile, I've got a life to live, mistakes to make (and learn from) and an undying curiosity to see what happens next. Any and all are welcome to join me, but they have to make that decision for themselves.
What do
YOU say?
Justin Velander Holt
aka
Bob DubilinaBFN NetworksP.S. One thing I
do know for certain is that I'm not looking for someone to conquer or one-up me. In fact, that's a
huge turn-off 'cause it simply proves that they want to rein me in or put me in my place instead of
working WITH me. I may be easy to pleasure and hard to please, but my loyalty is easily won with the understanding that we can do so much more working/growing/sharing
TOGETHER than we ever will attempting to assert dominance over each other.
2009/01/16
