Post by JVH (f/k/a Bob Dubilina) on Jun 16, 2008 14:58:20 GMT -5
Windy City Reprise:
The Best Songs of 2007
CD I: Independent Epiphany – The Best of the Best
The Best Songs of 2007
CD I: Independent Epiphany – The Best of the Best
I experienced three notable break-ups – two with M., one with WUIC – in 2007. All were similar in the fact that they were initiated by me after coming to the conclusion that I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship. Luckily, each decision to leave came just at the point where I realized that any further attempts at salvaging the relationship would simply be a waste of our time and energy. There were no doubts that leaving was the right thing to do, and I was able to call it quits without any hard feelings. (Any and all bitter feelings and grudges came long afterwards. Thanks, M.)
I knew that I would have problems at WUIC when I returned to find the station under new management. Every member of the previous administrative board had resigned by the time I returned in early 2007, and it was made clear that the freedoms I once had at the station were no longer available to me due to the fact that BFN would now be considered a "General Public" program. No longer could I borrow the studio for a band interview on a whim; all requests needed to be submitted to the Program Director. Hell, I couldn't even invite a guest co-host onto my own show without submitting a request first!
Of course, I was feeling stifled by the new rules, so I did my best to bend them in my own special way. Can't take new releases home in order to find worthwhile tracks to spin on the show? Burn them on a laptop while in the studio. Can't swear on air? Unplug the sound board. No one bothered with our live stuff anyway! Our listeners preferred to hear BFN via the web players on our site or by downloading the podcasts. Why risk getting busted for using foul language when the only person tuning in was the Program Director keeping tabs on us?
We finally got busted when I invited Big City Rock into the studio for an interview and gave them free reign to swear like sailors. Meanwhile, I was completely oblivious to the fact that the Program Director was next door in the production room, listening the entire time. Afterwards, he sat me down and we discussed the consequences of my actions on air. The station's administrative board promptly suspended me from using the studio space any time outside my regular timeslot for sixteen weeks – the equivalent of a semester. Fortunately, the bulk of my suspension took place during the summer when WUIC was completely shut down for an equipment upgrade . . . but once that was completed a new rule was established that all non-student DJs could only use the studio during their timeslot, thus effectively making my punishment a permanent guideline that would effectively destroy all future work promoting and interviewing bands on tour.
Around the time WUIC was closing shop for the summer, we had already decided to go independent with BFN. Mike and Maya put together our own radio set-up at their house, and I started networking with freelance recording studios in the city that could help me knock out band interviews for a fair price. (Massive props to Stray Dog Recording Co., Chicago Guitar Lessons and Taxi Studios for their services and rates.) Once I realized how easily I could do this on my own, I had no issue to saying farewell to WUIC. No longer would we be under the thumb of idealistic college students on a power trip. We were now free to make our own decisions and not have to worry when the other shoe would drop.
As for M., the first split happened in the second week of January upon returning to the continental U.S. M. and I had spent the last quarter of 2006 abroad in China and Southeast Asia followed by a three-week stint with her family on Guam for the holidays. Our time exploring the world was an amazing experience, but by the end of the trip our relationship had completely hit the skids. If that wasn't enough, our lack of a game plan made things even more tenuous, and after being fed up with playing the role of M.'s escort (as opposed to, you know, her boyfriend), I decided to leave her with family in California so she could make up her mind about what she wanted to do next with her life (and whether or not I would be a part of it). Chicago was the next stop for me – I needed to find work in a city where I knew for certain it was available – so I made my way to the Midwest alone. In time M. decided that she wanted me (and Chicago) to be a part of her future, so she moved here and we got back together.
My second (and final) break-up with M. came six months later thanks to her poor and incredibly insensitive decision to blame me for our ongoing relationship troubles instead of owning up to the real problem at hand. Essentially, our sex life was becoming increasingly tedious, and her interest was diminishing with every passing week. As it goes, she blamed me for not being a more attentive lover. That accusation was quite a blow to my pride, but I manned up and did everything she required of me to get in the mood. Of course, that only worked for so long until things went sour again, only now I was putting in all this extra effort just to turn her on AND STILL being misled to believe that it was all my fault.
Finally, after months of hard work and nothing to show for it, it suddenly dawned on me that 1.) in all my years no one I had ever slept with had made complaints about me being a selfish lover, let alone made me feel like such an inept one, and 2.) there was no reason whatsoever why I should be busting my ass to this degree to convince my live-in girlfriend to fuck me. None of my other girlfriends needed prompting to get it on! Why should I settle for less now?! Armed with this new perspective, I was determined to settle this matter once and for all. She wasn't interested and I wasn't happy, so it was in our best interests to call it quits and find others who would meet our respective wants and needs.
And that's when the truth came out: I wasn't really to blame for her disinterest. It was her. Or, more accurately, it was her body. M. wanted to have sex, but her body would just not comply, could not get excited. In fact, sex was pretty much a painful act for her. And she didn't know why! Naturally, she was afraid of confessing this because she didn't want to admit that something was "wrong" with her. She was also certain that if she admitted to such a "shortcoming," I would just dump her because she wouldn't be able to meet my needs.
She begged me to give her another chance to address the real problem at hand so that we could get our relationship back on track. I won't go into details, but she started making sensible decisions to finding an actual solution. However, at the same time I was dealing with the anger and resentment for being the scapegoat for the last six months. If it wasn't bad enough that she distrusted me so much as to presume that I wouldn't stick it out with her from the get-go, the fact that she blamed ME(!) time and again without any care for how it made me feel was so much worse. Yes, I would have been more than happy to stick it out with her had this been addressed right away, but by this time I was completely out of patience . . . and when she started using her efforts against me – the "I'm doing this for you!" (not ME or, more appropriately, US - YOU!) argument – I knew our relationship had run its course.
What bothered me the most about this break-up was the simple fact that it didn't have to happen. In every relationship I've always said from the beginning, "Whatever happens, DO NOT LIE TO ME! We can likely overcome any problem along the way, but we have to be quick to address it before it gets blown so out of proportion that the only option we have left is damage control." M. lied to me, callously blamed me for something that wasn't really anyone's fault and effectively drove a wedge into our relationship. Even worse, ALL OF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF SHE HAD JUST OPENED UP AND TOLD ME THE TRUTH!
But that didn't happen, and the break-up became official on Labor Day weekend. Of course, we were still living together, which further compounded the problem. I offered for M. to stay as long as she needed to – rent-free, no less – until she found a place that suited her needs. Unfortunately, it took her six weeks to move out of the apartment, and what was once a civil parting of way gradually devolved into mutual frustration bordering on exaspiration. It was around this time that she made the decision that I would pay dearly for breaking her heart. Which I did. And that's that. (Listen to Season 16's GTFO and the Season 17 premiere The Ugly Canadian for more details.)
No one cares to listen to advice, but I would like you to just humor me when I say this: DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU NEED! Life is far too short to waste time compromising your integrity or passion. And as much as it hurts to break away from the one you love or from something that's become so familiar and safe, if you're not getting what you need out of the relationship – especially after mutually exhausting all other avenues – it's your responsibility to call it a day and do your best to bow out gracefully. Three times in one year I came to the conclusion that no matter what happened next, I was better off on my own rather than stuck in a situation where I could only lose. That was my Independent Epiphany, and I will happily share it with everyone here in the hope that none of you have to learn this lesson the hard way.
Best of luck in your pursuits. If you want it, go out and get it. Just be honest with others.
More importantly, be honest with yourself.
Justin Holt
"Bob Dubilina"
BFN Networks
Bob@BFNinYourEars.com
June 26, 2008