Post by JVH (f/k/a Bob Dubilina) on Apr 28, 2007 1:02:37 GMT -5
The Ghost of You:
The Best Songs of 2006
The Best Songs of 2006
CD I: A Man Adrift – The Best of the Best[/b][/center][/size]
Who can you call in the middle of the night when you're bored and just want to talk? Who do you trust to help solve a dilemma or cheer you up at a moment's notice? Who calls you on your shit and then gives you a hug to let you know that they still love and respect you? Who will happily stay on the line and accompany you on the three mile hike back to your hotel from downtown Santa Fe on a star-filled night?
For me that person was Laurie O'Brien-Shaw.
Laurie was everything to me. She was a like a mother in many respects, but she excelled as a best friend. Whenever I returned to Nevada to visit friends and family, no one made me feel more at home than she did. That's because she was home. In my eyes Laurie was the embodiment of compassion, comfort, joy, love, wisdom and laughter. We were kindred spirits, a family not connected by blood but by ideas, values and perspectives. We dared each other to do better and burn brighter each day. We eagerly shared our victories and rallied together during our defeats. Along with her husband and true love Leon, we three had to be one of the most curious ka-tets to ever be let loose upon this earth.
Then Laurie died. Shockingly, brutally, unfairly, she died, and Leon and I found ourselves lost in a bleak new situation that we had little idea of comprehending let alone accepting. Leon immediately gave into a grief so severe that I wasn't sure if he would live to see the end of the week, let alone the year. (For the record, Leon is still very much alive and in better spirits, yet I still worry about him every day.) I, on the other hand, found that my sorrow would come in waves, leaving me susceptible to random and sudden fits of crying that would oftentimes clear up just as fast as they had come.
At the same time my closest friends decided to allow old grudges and festering wounds – some years old by now – to finally erupt to the surface, and the sheer momentum of these collective grievances was legendary in its ability to destroy everything in its path. Within a few weeks every choice that I made and action that I took was in the spirit of self-preservation. Why fight it? I had two best friends intent on making me the scapegoat of their already moribund relationship, a girlfriend who consistently doubted our future together and a trusted confidant who somehow found it prudent to air my dirty laundry to the woman I would later pursue long-distance. With all the immature back-biting, constant hand-wringing and any number of rash decisions and ridiculous assumptions, seriously, what was really worth salvaging around here? I felt better off lost in my frustration and grief.
So I cut my losses and drifted farther out into the unknown. There were still a few close friends I could call upon if necessary, but every one of them was scattered all over the country and I was in no mood to be comforted over the phone. That was Laurie's job, and no one would be able to do it a fraction as well as she did. I found it best to simply wait for the storm to pass and hope for the best. I kept myself preoccupied with BFN and the pursuit of a new love, but mostly I went through the motions and hoped this emptiness would one day be filled with something better than anguish, disappointment, weariness and rage.
I was obviously A Man Adrift. It would take a long time to find my bearings, but I would put it to good use by accepting my losses, acknowledging my contribution to each one – oh yes, I was just as much to blame for this fine mess as anyone else involved – and promising to never learn this nasty fucking lesson ever again. Not like this. Death was an inevitable consequence of life, but arrogance, ignorance and self-centeredness were not. I vowed to avoid such stupid luxuries from here on out.
When I finally came ashore, I returned stronger, wiser and more mindful of my surroundings. I would never forget all that came to pass, but now I could accept it and move on.
Once again I dared myself to do better and burn brighter each day.
Justin Holt
"Bob Dubilina"
BFN Networks
Bob@BFNinYourEars.com
May 7, 2007